I know it’s been a long time, but it’s me again.
Yes I’ve been gone for a long time but I’m back.
While I was away all I’ve been thinking about is returning to blogging, self portraits and starting this podcast that keeps swirling in my mind. I’ve been having all these ideas about returning to my creative self and creating without judgement.
Despite these many thoughts, hopes and dreams, I’ve been stuck in a recurring cycle.
I’ve been stuck in a recurring cycle and its time I break it. It’s about time I start focusing on my goals again. About time I start focusing on my creativity again. About time I stop thinking and just do.
Previously I’d find time to research this and that, find means of execution, worry about the final steps, give ideas my all… then boom, here comes the moments where I spend less time actively pursuing my dreams, less time utilizing my talents, more time demotivated, more time with doubts occupying my mind… less growth overall for the creative me.
After a while of repeating this cycle, I ask myself why do I always let this happen? Why do I always worry about the execution and pinpoint all of the potential obstacles yet never actually commit to the process and wholeheartedly trust it? Why do I worry about what others think? Why can’t I just let go of these thoughts?
Interestingly enough, the hardest part for me is never actually starting. The hardest part for me is always the same : sticking with it. I can never seem to look beyond my self doubt, never seem to move past my anxiety nor perceived judgements and just work at something I love. Soon as something isn’t perfect I’m ready to fucking dip without even thinking twice about sticking with it and getting better.
Blogging has so heavily been on my mind. Lately it’s making me feel as though I’ve lost a part of myself by not creating the ideas that I have, by not stepping out of my comfort zone and just being my most authentic self. In many ways, due to my injury, I do have lots of limitations (some that many may not know of nor understand) but I have finally convinced myself that I simply need to find ways to execute my ideas without overexerting nor overwhelming myself.
I believe that I owe it to myself to live my life and pursue my dreams to the fullest despite not being physically capable of doing so every waking moment due to a plethora of factors which include but aren’t limited to constant pain and flare-ups.
With everything in life, there is a lesson and I believe that this situation is pushing me to focus on myself more, pushing me to learn how to set and utilize boundaries and is encouraging me to create as like if nobody is looking. To create as if there is no tomorrow.
I’ve decided to get out of the loop of recurring cycles. I have decided to give myself time to improve my skills. I’ve decided to believe and trust in myself more. I’ve also decided to break and fuck off of these recurring cycles that stifle me of my full potential.
It’s almost the end of 2020 and before the year ends, I want to move away from old mistakes and habits. I want to continue to create the life I want and dream of. I want to reach my full potential and I want to inspire others.
I’ve had challenges this year that I never thought I’d recover from and was stuck in recurring cycles I thought I’d never be able to break! Although these challenges occurred, this year was one of clarity, growth, perseverance and happiness for me, despite the ongoing pandemic.
My wish for 2021 is to break recurring cycles and to do and be better.
Wishing everyone safety, the strength to carry on and peace of mind during this COVID time.
– Lots of love and well wishes,